What Lies Beneath.


Well, it has been far too long since I updated here.

After we wrapped the film it was straight into prepping the film school and starting phase 3 of the leadership school I was taking. When we started the lectures for that we were informed that all of us on phase 3 had to complete it by the end of December due to regulation changes and various course related decisions. That was a full 2 months ahead of schedule, and then after we graduated we had 28 days before our student visas were also expired.

So, that was a shock, but the thing was it got done. All of it, both schools, the articles I wrote for The Independent Initiative. I even graduated with the film and acting students and the other two Initiative members that were doing the same leadership school as I was.

That meant coming home a full 2 and a half to three months earlier than I had originally planned. Before I came home, I got to go to the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary and I finally got to see koalas and kangaroos. At this point I had still not actually seen much in the way of wildlife, and definitely neither of those animals. It was the best. It was a beautiful day, ok, hot one which I loved, and the animals were just hanging out.


The above little guy had spotted the new branches they were being brought to climb and munch on, and he was very excited.

So on Dec. 6, 2016 I got on an airplane in Brisbane, and ended up back home in Golden. It was a 50 degree Celsius drop in temperature. Needless to say I got sick pretty quickly and jet lag was really rough. I still don’t know where I am some days.

I think I have sort of settled in. I had Christmas with the entire immediate family for the first time in probably 10 years. That was great.

I’m actually leaving the house in the cold, but I need a reason to do it as I have not gotten used to the cold yet. I probably won’t this year at all. It can warm up any day now.

By now I was hoping to have something awesome and insightful to say, but this time I really don’t. I’m still figuring out what I am going to do here, trying to keep warm, and figure out what the future is going to look like. I have applied for a job, so I’m praying that works out.

I have a bunch of projects, of the handmade/needlework variety, that I am trying to finish or make in general. So far I’m making progress, but I keep getting distracted from the bigger projects by small ones I can check off the list faster.

I have also started 365 days of films. I have watched one film a day for every day of the year so far, and am gong to keep that up as much as possible. It’s mostly going to be ones that are on my watch list as opposed to re-watches. Although I have watched a few repeat films from my life so far.

As it is getting late I should watch tonight’s film. Title to be determined still. I hope you all are well and are keeping healthy and having a great new year so far. Blessings and thank you all for your support over the last couple of years. I’ll try to keep updated on what I’m doing and working on as the year progresses.




I Had Thoughts

Technically I wrote this 8 months ago but never posted it. I don’t know why but, maybe I was waiting to see if I could articulate it better. I think I will leave it as is, just as a thing I was pondering. The questions are rhetorical in there. It wasn’t something that happened to me that made me write it, just a story I was told and discussions with friends plus observations. So, here it goes…



This is general, it may sound like it’s all about me, but it isn’t. I sit, I observe, I think. It’s what I do in my down time.

I was thinking today about the double standards and ridiculous at times expectations set for us women by men. Yes, I’m looking at you Christian men to a degree.

Why do you insist that it’s what is inside that counts but can list a bunch of superficial reasons why you aren’t interested in a woman?

I have heard it all:

Too old. (I have heard this from a few ladies, so it isn’t just me.)

Too stubborn/strong-willed. (Again, heard from more than myself.)

Not dressing up nice enough or making an effort. (Definition of dressing up being completely done up, not just looking casual nice, for every day or going out in public.)

Too tall.

Not “sexy enough”.

Not wearing makeup, because that will help you look prettier.

Too smart.

Too much of a tomboy. (I once was told I am too much like one of the guys that a guy doesn’t know what to do with me. I and others have also been told half jokingly by Christian men to get back in the kitchen where we belong.)

Probably a lesbian.

Too crazy.


You know what? You can think that all you want. If we are supposed to view others the way God sees them, then why are those things problems?

Why is it that we are supposed to love people regardless of those things, yet when it comes to a relationship girls are supposed to be ok with guys that are average and guys are not?

Why do men in the church act like they want a perfect wife? She has to do it all and look hot in the process.

Why do the men not want an older woman, but if the age difference is reversed it is ok?

Why are we letting the superficial things dictate what we want in a woman, or even man for that matter?

Why do we let what society says a woman should be dictate what we think Christian women should look and be like?

Did not God make all of us unique? Why do we want a clone of someone supposedly perfect?

Why do we close our eyes and our hearts to what might be God’s best for us because they don’t fit some little box on our superficial list we want to check off?

Why do we women let society tell us who to be?

Why do we women not let our men be men?

Why is a girl who likes guy things a threat to a man’s masculinity?

Did not God make us the way we are? With our interests and personalities, flaws and faults. Is it bothering you because your pride may be wounded that a girl may know more or do something better than you?

Are we not meant to be the strength for another’s weakness?

Why do you tell a woman there is nothing wrong with her then proceed to tell her what areas she is not “enough” for you? Is that not sending a mixed message?

We need to stop sending the mixed messages from both sides. Men and women are supposed to guard their hearts, so why would a Christian man play games with a woman’s heart by flirting then telling her she is not enough? Why would a Christian woman do the same to a man?

We are supposed to build each other up and edify one another. Strengthen one another, so why do you deliberately do differently?


It’s fine and all good to not be interested in someone, but as Christians we should be building up not tearing down. God made us and made us good as we are. Who are we to tell anyone, especially one of His children, that they do not meet our standards so they are less than they should be. Is it your own standards or God’s that they don’t meet?

I call B.S. I think it is the fear of getting close to anyone and using those things as excuses, or just saying something to be a “nice” let down instead of a flat out “I don’t think of you like that, sorry.”

The thing I learned is love. Love others as they are, love yourself as you are. You are unique and worthy. God made you to be uniquely you, so do it. Be you no matter what.

Physical beauty is fleeting. It fades away. A strong and good character is eternal. That should be what matters, not the shiny packaging that is all style and no substance. Having both is great, but the outside is not what matters.

Remember, just because someone doesn’t think you aren’t enough for them for a relationship, it doesn’t mean you aren’t enough to God.

In all honesty, you are much better off not being in a relationship with any person that doesn’t value you for who you were made to be.