I Had Ponderings

I read this the other day: “Do not hold back on your excitement or your happiness.”
Ok, I will take that. No one gets to tell me to “shh” when I get excited and passionate about something anymore, it has happened more times than I can count in my life. Unless I’m being disrespectful of a meeting or some such thing. That sort of reason is ok, but be respectful in how it’s approached is the key.
You’d be surprised how much even loving Christians can crush the spirit of someone by telling them to not show their exuberance for something in life. A passion that God has given them. When they get excited about it and start talking excitedly, the “ssshhh” comes out as does the hand gestures of settle down.
Why would anyone deliberately crush someone’s spirit and enthusiasm? Why would you indicate to someone that their exuberance and their passion are not a good thing, thereby making them think they aren’t important to you? You might not be as passionate about it, or not really be in the mood for their enthusiasm, but why would you try to stop them from their enthusiasm? It just teaches them that even though God made them that way or gave them that passion and excitement it’s not acceptable to the people they care about.
Imagine doing that to someone repeatedly over the years. No matter where they go or what they do or say little by little their enthusiasm for life etc gets hidden by them around people because they have been told not to be who they are. Their light gets hidden, sometimes it goes out.
I know I may have come across negative here, but that is just it. When you try to keep a person down or make them like you they lose who they are and were meant to be.
We are to build each other up not tear each other down.
We are made unique, not like everyone else.
We are supposed to celebrate what makes us different.
To live with passion and exuberance is to be full.
We are to live with joy so why do we try to diminish how people show that?
The key thing is respect. We as people need to be respectful of how what we do affects others. Whether that is being the exuberant one or the shushing one.
Is it 1 am and you are outside singing loudly? Yes? Then you probably deserve shushing.
Is it 12 pm and you just saw the new Star Wars trailer? Yes? If someone is shushing you then they perhaps need to remember that nothing is wrong with exuberance. The only problem is the time and place. If it isn’t the right time then you need to reign it in and wait, but if there is not reason to be quiet then be excited. Love what you love without apologies. If it isn’t hurting anyone, illegal, immoral, or unhealthy then there is no problem.
Sometimes the waiting is hard for me. I do forget and a noise will just burst out. In those cases I need to remember to avoid the triggers of those kinds of reactions.
Let us remember, to have consideration for others. To build each other up and not tear each other down. To remember that all actions have consequences, even if you don’t realize it can and will have a consequence.

The Stories We Tell…Or Not


This last week has had me thinking about the things we don’t talk about. Granted there is a lot I am candid about; my mental health, how I think or feel about certain topics, etc. In everyone’s life there is more to the story of their life than what we see. It affects them even if they feel like it doesn’t and it’s hard to move past it because it is uncomfortable and makes one vulnerable. So I’ve been thinking about what those things are for me and what I am going to do about them.

The first thing that needs to be done is figure out what all I don’t talk about. You can’t fix something you don’t know is broken. If you do know it’s broken and you know that fixing it will make it better then why don’t you fix it? Temporary discomfort is nothing compared to the constant aggravation of a broken piece.


I admit, there is a lot of broken pieces. We all have them from various traumas and events to various losses and peoples’ actions towards us. We have to pick up the pieces and keep walking forward. Living day by day in the moment. When a situation arises and says “Here, remember how this happened? Well now I’m going to transfer your feelings on that past thing to this current situation.” In that moment we need to ask ourselves “What can I do to change how I respond and how I project that onto others?”

What’s ben done has been done, there is nothing we can do to change that no matter what. The best we can do is keep walking ahead one foot in front of the other dealing with things as they arise, as opposed to ignoring them because they won’t go away if ignored. It only gets worse.


In the words of The Eleventh Doctor, “We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one eh?” The rest of your life is a new story. The pages are blank every day and you get to decide how the story plays out. Make the rest of your story one worth telling. Make it a story you want to tell.

Crafting Wisdom


I love working with my hands. I love making something from out of nothing but the materials I find. It gives my hands something to do while my brain does its thinking and I don’t get distracted as much as I might if I was just sitting and thinking without doing anything with my hands.

I have mental health problems, which, unless you are new here, you already know. I have clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, as well as post concussion problems (still a year and a half later). I know my depression and anxiety are here to stay, I can work with that. The post concussion is more frustrating though because I can tell where I’m off and no one can tell it’s a problem (as far as I know at least) or when it will go away. So I work with my hands by crocheting anytime and anywhere to try to manage symptoms and help me focus.

As a result I take a small crochet project that doesn’t require a pattern to read, just the same stitch repeated over again and usually a square for a blanket, so I can just automatically crochet it. On Mondays we have a morning worship and meeting. This last week I worked on a scarf. As I was working on it I had a realization. My life is like that scarf. I am the yarn. I started at the beginning and get spun around and twisted and put in a previous loop/stitch to move forward. I can’t see the pattern or where it is going to go. I don’t know what I’m going to look like in the end, but there is a purpose and when my life and the pattern is done there will be a finished product that will be useful. The further along you get the more you can see what it is supposed to be, but it still isn’t done and you can’t rush the process.

So here I go, even though I’m frustrated by the brain problems, weaving in and out to be made into what I am supposed to be. It’s a long process that can’t be rushed, but in the end it is worth it and the item has value.

We all have value. It doesn’t matter what we have been told or come to believe about ourselves based on our experience. We are all valuable. We are humans, we are people, we have a life and a purpose. No one was born for no reason. It’s finding our worth and believing it that is hard.

Handmade requires time, thought, and skill. We were not made thoughtlessly, nor are our lives.

A Galaxy Far, Far Away

One day I will make these into a blanket, and it will be huge.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost 32

A Galaxy Far, Far Away


Thank you so much for your interest in my blanket! It was a labor of love and a joy to watch take shape. I hope, that if you choose to make one, you enjoy every moment of it and the joy it brings.

What you will need

Size G hook
Tapestry/yarn needle
Worsted weight yarn I used 10 colors and it worked out to roughly 7oz of each color.  Now some of these are Vanna’s choice and they don’t come in 7oz so you’ll need two to get the amount. Also gauge and tension will affect it… so you might want to look through the blanket and add a little. For instance you have 4 navy squares, 4 light blue squares, 4 black squares… maybe get two of those. Unfortunately a lot of this was stash yarn for me so I’m guessing a…

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Thoughts About Friendship.

Before I start work I saw this quote from Gwyneth Paltrow: “As you get older, you choose friends based on not only what feels resonant and warm but if they’re bringing something to your life. My women friends are incredibly intelligent. There’s no posturing, no competition. Especially in Los Angeles, I see pockets of friends who are very competitive, and I think, What is the point? I would rather be alone in bed with a book than have a girlfriend who is like that.”

I actually agree with her on that one. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert (so is she). I don’t feel like that means be a cow, but choose your friends wisely. I love my friends, all of them. They are all my friends for a reason. The other thing to keep in mind is what you bring to their lives as it is for us to give AND take, not just take or not just give.

I am typing this now one day after I started it. This morning I learned that one of my good friends passed away earlier in the day. It’s quite frankly not been a good day. I knew it could still happen after the original news she wasn’t doing well, but I hoped and prayed she would recover. She didn’t and that is ok. She is free from her chains and all that held her down. She is in God’s hands and what better place to be than there. So that happened on the other side of the world. The one thing I do know is that good will come from it. Maybe more people will get help for their addictions of alcohol or drugs before it is too late. am I sad? Of course. I will probably be for a few days at least. I will still laugh and cry and remember her but I won’t stop living because she is gone. If anything I will try to live more and stronger. We all should. It’s cliche to say live every day like it’s your last or live with no regrets, but in the end isn’t it true? Do you want to go tomorrow knowing you didn’t do what you intended or say all the things you needed to say? Do you want people to know how much you care about them? It’s harder for introverts, this is experience talking. Sometimes we just figure people know because they are our friends and so that obviously means we care so we don’t always say it, or is that just me?

Last week we filmed three short films for the interns. I really love being on set no matter how tired or upset I am (that was when I found out my friend was not doing well and she nearly died then). Granted on the one day we filmed past midnight I was gone mentally by the end. We non equipment hindered crew got to be extras, so that was 5 hours of high energy pretending to dance while I was being the assistant director. Whew! It was fun but by 11 we were all definitely done in. One of the extras fell asleep on the floor and I was slurring my speech. Yet, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

So while I haven’t been writing every week like I want to I think this is now up to date. I hope to have another update sooner rather than later. Love you all.

New Year, New Stuff and Things

There have been people talking a lot about the new year and what that looks like. Some of it is the usual “I’m going to eat better and exercise.” I’ll just interject here and say that isn’t me. *continues to eat Cheezies* People look at it as a clean slate of a whole big chunk of time. Some come up with words that they want to be their year (like grace). I don’t know if it’s a product of my age but I see the new year as just another number change. So the last number in the ticking changes, but does your life really change? Does it really affect your life?

I don’t know if it’s a product of the depression, but I find every day is an open segment of time that you have set things you need to do and the rest of the time, and how you deal with those set things, is wide open and up to you. Is it nice to have a focus for the year? Maybe, but having been almost dead once or twice and suicidal with the depression (not anymore, even if the thoughts are there, don’t worry) I don’t think in chunks of time that are that long too much because so much can change. Would I love to have long term ideals? Absolutely. There are things in life I want that are definitely long term, but I have to live in the now until those two time frames collide. Why wait for the long term when all you are guaranteed is now? The old saying of “Why put off to tomorrow what you can do today.” sounds like an anti-procrastination tool. It is, you should do your annoying icky homework now instead of tomorrow or the last minute, it’s called effective time management. It also is your future though. If you don’t do it now when will you do it? Someday? When is that? 1 year? 5 years? 20 years? Eventually the time has passed and you think “Why didn’t I do that sooner?” There are experiences you have now missed out on, people you have missed out on. It doesn’t even have to be a major thing, it can be small things. Small things are sometimes the best things in my opinion. Like the green of a tree against a blue sky (which I stared at on lunch). Why not make it a point to stop and really look at a mundane little everyday thing and really appreciate it. I’ve been taking my crochet on the train. I have had a few conversations because of it, and it’s been great. Talking to people I wouldn’t normally with no pressure but maybe even a common thing.

So why not take that little day trip to a lake on a day off. Or that coffee with a friend? There’s no excuses. You don’t have time? Make time because you don’t know how much time anyone really has left. I know all too well how hard it is to make time with my energy meter needing to be constantly watched so I don’t go off the deep end. Some days even sending a quick hi to a friend feels daunting. Blogging is daunting, mundane paperwork is always daunting. I want to be doing stuff that involves my creativity but there is the balance that needs to be kept.

Some days I have nothing to say and others I have a lot, lol. I still haven’t done a proper Star Wars or The Revenant review or even really updated what we’ve been up to here. Another time though. This time is about the time you have and what you do with it. New Year’s Day is just another day. Each day should be deliberate. It’s always a choice, what you do, who you talk to, what drives you, to complete what you need to complete or let something else get done instead. Then live with the actions of those choices.

So now I have to go get food. I will have to write what is actually actively going on here another time.